


when nothing speaks louder

by alynshir



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 2nd Person, As One Does, F/F, Gen, Kimallura, POV Second Person, a little gay, but mostly just internal crisis, critical role - Freeform, episodes 79-80, in the middle of battle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 07:04:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13289604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alynshir/pseuds/alynshir
Summary: kima has done this before. she just didn't expect to feel so overwhelmingly useless this time.





	when nothing speaks louder

**Author's Note:**

> haven't written anything in like over a year o shit!!! here's some kima during the fight with thordak/raishan!

this is just like before.

you remember this fire, you remember tasting blood on broken lips,

you remember this, with each footstep that you know you've taken before

(and by Bahamut, you remember him, you remember this monster, remember what he did)

and you've done this before and you can do it again, you said, you said, you can do it again,

(with each footstep you're telling yourself this, but you're not quite sure you believe yourself anymore, not in that small dark corner of you that - try as you might - you can't force away)

the blood is pounding in your ears as you run,

you run,

your legs

not

fast

enough,

your sword is heavy and useless, you swing your sword - you know how to swing one better than you did then, this is not a hammer, this cannot break bones like it used to - and it rips to shreds everything it touches and with every swing and stab it still makes no difference, just like it did then,

but you swing it again anyway; here's hoping,

 

but

 

time isn't

passing

like you're used to, it isn't fast, it isn't angry, it isn't joyous - this isn't a fight, this is a desperate bid for survival, and you feel like you're trapped in molasses,

nothing is fast enough but everything is too fast for you and you just can't keep up

and neither can they, these children,

they're _children_ to you and even though you charge in screaming louder than the best of them, you're older now -

you've gone through hells and lived through battles that these children weren't even born for -

and yet you still don't feel any bigger, any stronger, any older and wiser than anyone else when you look up, up, up at the cinder king.

 

(because who the fuck can keep up with a dragon?)

 

everything feels useless, you can't catch your breath, you're coughing, you're choking on smoke and you've been here before, and nearly twenty years later the only things that have changed are the faces and the friends that are falling around you -

once sirius, now sweet vex'ahlia,

you see her brother's shadow stiffen as she falls to the ground, you're too far away, you're not fast enough to fix it, you don't know how to fix things like they want

once ghenn, now gilmore,

glorious gilmore who you would never have asked to come along

(but in that small dark recess of you, you are so, so happy it's him, you would have chosen him a thousand times over, because that means it isn't _her_ , that means she's far away, that means she's safe)

but no, it's not their time yet, "it's not your time yet," you hear yourself saying, your hands on gilmore's burned skin,

and that's all you can do, and _Bahamut_ , you are not a cleric! you weren't meant for this,

you weren't meant to kneel next to your friends and beg them to come back,

you're not like pike trickfoot,

you're not full of soft touches,

you're not full of gentle words - no, you're not full of words at all!

 

you're angry and you've never been full of words, you're a woman of action and battle and victory and justice and in the name of justice,

and you want to tear these abominations apart with your bare hands,

with your _teeth_.

you want justice for you and for the untold thousands hurt by these evils,

you want justice for your friends lost -

for ghenn and sirius and dohla -

and for your friends found -

vox machina, lights in the underdark -

and _Bahamut!_ you want justice for allura vysoren, who is _everything_ , who has the weight of dragons draped around her scholar's shoulders,

 for her you've broken the world

and for her you'd do it again,

you'd regret nothing for her -

 

grit your teeth,

hit harder,

scream louder,

it's not enough

(you're not enough)

but _Bahamut_ something's gotta give,

(so many have already given)

maybe this time it's you.

**Author's Note:**

> i am alynshir on tumblr if y'all like what u see xx


End file.
